Sisters....

So, in this house, where I'm living....with my two sisters...
I think I just might shoot myself in the head.
Which would be a waste, considering I got my tattoo 3 days ago.
Anyways.
Fuck family.
That is all.

BACK STABBING GNOMES.

I hate gnomes.
I want to smash them.
My ex? Resembles one....I want to smash DOLL.
I hate Doll with a flaming passion. Doll's a backstabbing, horrible horrible BITCH.

It takes everything in me whenever DOLL walks by not to go and smash Doll's head into the closest object.
The bad part? I'd take immense pleasure in kicking the shit out of Doll.

Caving.

I'm a horrible person.
I caved.
I gave into the sin of a deadly habit, and I don't know if I can go back now.

Yet again...I have started smoking.

I think it's all the stress. Smelling it. Seeing it. CRAVING IT.
I caved.
I went and bought smokes.
I caved.

I feel both ashamed and relieved...it's a weird combination.

It's all this goddamn stress!
My mothers surgery, in which she stands a chance of fatality.
My court case.
My exams.
Everything is so jumbled, and I don't know any release anymore...
When I couldn't find something to replace the one I'd lose...
Smoking walked back into my arms...

Trying To Move On...

To be honest? I think I may have stumbled upon my problem...maybe this is what bothers me most about myself...or does one ever truly discover that about themselves?
ANYWHOO.
I believe that my problem...is that after a break-up, rather than force myself to get over someone, if I had a lot of feeling for them, I simply ignore it, go into fits of denial, push the problem to the back of my mind, and desperately search to fill the hole that person left.
When I lost the last person that I cared for so so much, here wait...let's further refer to them as....hmm....DOLL.
Doll was the last person I cared for truly. When I lost them, I went into a fit of denial, and pushed it away. I looked and looked for things and people to fill the hole, just so I didn't have to get over Doll. Therefore, I'm still not over Doll. Nor, do I really want to be, despite Doll despising me oh so greatly.
There were people that filled Doll's void. Cam. Ben. Mattie. Kyle. Chris...now there may be another.

Today....I can't get Doll off my mind.
I kissed Doll for the first time in 3 months today...and it was amazing, but painful at the same time in the sense that it brought back every emotion I'd had for them.
Guilt.
Shame.
Hurt.
Anger.
Love...
So many emotions at once, that my head was spinning.
I'm not sure what to do now...all I know, is that there's no chance of me getting over Doll...
So do I just keep filling the void?
Do I try and win Doll back?
It's nearly impossible with the trust issues Doll has...but I love her so much so that I'm willing to risk everything just to have Doll again.
Is that love?

Abandonment Issues?

So, this weekend was an absolute bust.
I was actually kinda looking forward to it....yup....no....just....no.
This was the worst weekend I've had in quite awhile, considering I've just about lost everything good I had going for me.
Let's re-cap...shall we?

SATURDAY
Saturday was actually kind of boring. I mean, I think that the most exciting bit was going and buying jumbo freezies. OH. I worked. I worked for 5 hours. What commitment...


SUNDAY
Ohhhhh boy, this is where it gets bad.
Sunday, my dads friend was getting married, and my mom and dad were gone from 2pm, till about 2am...or so i thought. Because I was under the impression that they wouldn't be home until 2am, I invited the guy that Im sorta-kinda with, Chris. You know....brown eyes. :)
ANYWAYS. He came over after reffing in St. Catherines, meaning he didn't get round to my house until about 11pm. So he got here, and we went for a coffee, so that I wasn't falling asleep on the poor guy.
When we eventually got back to my house, we went to the basement where the TV is, and began watching Four Christmases...mind you, not such a bad film! Around 12:30am, I heard the door open, and the same look of pure fear washed across our faces.
I tried sneaking him out, but in the end we got caught, and my dad took his license, and made all these threats, and he's basically scared shitless now, and says that we can't continue, because he's scared.
THAT FUCKING HURTS.
We only got caught when he came to my house, so if I just continued going to HIS house like before, we won't get caught again...

In The Abyss Of Boredom...

So sorry that it's been awhile since I've blogged to whomever reads this....whoever you are out there....

Anyways...
Today has been an exceptionally slow day. My parents had this wedding thing to go to for one of my dads friends, whom I didn't even know he was that close to. So, that being said....I got the house to myself till 2am. Twelve hours. Alone. IN MY HOUSE WITH MY MOMS CAR. Sadly for me? There's one catch.
This annoying 8 year old pile of mush that is biologically my brother...
He's annoying.
Obnoxious.
Loud.
And generally a pain in the ass.
However....I'm getting paid to watch the little snot bubble.

I'm sitting here, with him behind me watching Up, contemplating taking the little booger to get a slushee or something, except when I was 15, I drove the car, and backed into a pole with him in the car. Now, I'm 17, have my license, and he is STILL scared shitless.

I'll update you on the events.

I'm A Sucker For Brown Eyes...

Just like the title says, I'm a sucker for brown eyes.

I don't know what it is about them...I mean, I'm not talking about the generic chocolate eyes that are just brown, I'm talking about the ones that have flecks of amber, and gold.

See now, in my history, I haven't exactly had the best luck with guys. I mean, my relationships have a maximum length of one year, three months. The break-ups? Disasterous. Most memorable? My 16th birthday, boyfriend drove half an hour to come to dinner with my family, gave me $60, then called me the next day complaining that he couldn't dump me in front of my family, but that he was dumping me over the phone because he didn't love me, and legit had NO feeling for me what-so-ever.

Yup....sounds lovely right?

Well. After my fair share of ups and downs, I think I've found someone that's worth the effort. This guy, is truly a sweetheart, and makes me laugh and smile whenever I'm with him. He has the most amazing brown eyes, and basically....just a great body overall.

Now, don't get me wrong dear readers, I'm far from shallow. Honesty and personality win me over...but having that amazing body helps ;D

Anyways. I really think there's a possibility that he likes me too. He does the little things that someone searching for a physical relationship WOULDN'T do. They'd see it as a waste of time.

I drink Triple Triples (you canadians will understand that...) which he thinks I'm a "nutbar" (crazy) for doing. So, on his way to pick me up last Thursday, he asked the lady in the Tims window to write "nutbar coffee" on the lid, rather than the usual "TT" for "Triple Triple".

To be perfectly honest, it's one of the sweetest things a guys done. It showed me that he was thinking of me, which is really sweet.

I might not look it, but I'm secretly just a huuuuuuge dorky romantic with a big heart.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see where this goes....